So much...

There are so many things in my head at the moment. SO MANY.

I haven't slept tonight at all, i've been watching programs on the internet to take my mind off my life.
There are just so many things that i'm thinking about.
I'm just about to leave uni for good. But I still don't know if its the best idea. I'm going in first thing today to talk to anyone who will listen about it, to try and get some sense. Then i'm going to go home and talk to my parents about it. But I just cannot carry on like this.
I've missed so many lectures, missed two essays and an exam. Major ones. I'm almost definatly going to fail this year. So I figured, whats the point in staying till the end and putting myself through more misery. I'm just going to cut and run now.
The main problem was that when I joined in september, I wasn't who I wanted to be. I always imagine myself as this intelligent, hard working, fit, good looking, carismatic guy. And i'm not that. I like to think i'm pretty intelligent. I know I am, I got a-levels. But i'm not hard working. If its something i want to do, i'll do it. and i'll do a bloody good job of it! But if i dont really want to do it, even a bit. Then I wont do it. Or i'll force myself, or someone will force me to do it, badly.
And the way I look. Well thats just one big fuck up isnt it. I'd love to be a muscley, beafy, fit rugby player-looking guy. Thats who i want to be. At the moment, the only word that describes me... fat. And its true. So tahts another reason i'm leaving. To go and sort that out. Then maybe, once i'm comfortable within myself, and i'm how or close to how i want to be. Then maybe i'll start again.
But for now, i'm going to go home - or possibly stay in brighton, and maybe try and start my own business doing something. I dont really know. Gonna just give stuff a shot.
Plus, first thing i'm going to do is go and visit all my friends who are dotted at uni's all over the country!
yes.

Time to get up and get a bus down to uni at like half 7. ITS STILL DARK THEN!